My soul hurts. Apart from that I'm fine thank you for asking.

my size, my size! yo i'm talking to you!

 

 

 

Went to Telford with Bambi shopping. I had a good laugh and great time although was abit flustered and hormonal - left a bag in the coffee shop!. Bambi did really well - there were loadsa people bumping into us and not caring plus the coffee shop was packed and the staff didn't have the best customer service but she seemed more chilled than me :)

As soon as me and J left Bambi he practically turned!
J: You were suppose to spend the whole day with me today...thats what you promised but you went to Telford  - shopping with Bambi!

Me: Well I'm v hormonal..I thought it was for the best not to see you as much.

J: You are selfish then

Me: ... -.-

Me: I thought Bambi needed me more.

J: You saw her last night!

Me: Wasn't long enough!
-walks separately down the road both sulking-
J: You're not even going to say sorry then!
Me: I don't know what to say sorry for!
...
Me: So where are we going if we're not going to yours

J: I don't know you can go home if you want

Me: Okay...You don't want to see me then

J: It's not that I don't want to...I'm just mad at you.

Me: -rolls eyes- I'm sorry!

J: You aren't though!

Me: I am!

...

J: I'm sorry for calling you selfish.

Father being annoying again. Yea I really hate him. I don't think I've ever hated anyone more than him.

-

Ahh I see..

Him: I called you before
Me: Yea I'm sorry
Him: whats wrong?
Me: nothing
Him: I'm sorry I fell asleep
Me: It's ok
Him: Well it's what we agreed...I said I wanted to see you..but you said no...its's what we agreed.
-silence-
Me: Yea
Him: Well I can't be on for long..I have to get back..I didn't think you'd pick up, thought you'd be asleep.
-silence-
Me: ok -slight sigh-
Him: Anything you wanna say? Anything on ur mind?
Me: No...nothing -.-
Him: Okay. bye
Me: Bye.

Talk to girlfriend for abit as I did fall asleep and missed seeing her?
No..no..got to get back and talk to online people and RS again.
Right.

Maybe i'm over sensitive and hormonal.

Hit the "pause" button

Had stupid meeting yesterday. Hated it- like expected. Was crap- like expected.
Have to now persevere to be focused-on-the-ball-ice-queen.

Father spoke to me in the car yesterday about me and J was the most embarassing thing ever
him: it will break your mothers heart if you end up in a mess with him
me: we're not doing anything
him: don't insult my intelligence
him: better get you on the pill
me: we're not
him: well whats wrong with you both? must be something wrong somewhere? Is he gay?
-.-

First day back after meeting (Today) was okay have a headache though. On period so very emotional at the moment. I remember nearly crying at something today although I can't remember what. I'm sure it was nothing.

Was Arthurs funeral today. Kelly went and I saw her with her hair down. She looked nicer.
Food at work sucked today and the filling is building up -.-
Alfie is being not strange...but different to me...I sense it...and it's not different in a good way.
But whatever.

Texted bambi at work...got worried because got no reply but called her just and she seems ok :) (although my phone cut out because I ran out of credit) She is so good when I'm feeling low. thank goodness i have her.

Also rang J before work. Fat lot of use he is. He can ring me from now on. Anyway with me concentrating on work I won't be able to see him much in the coming weeks. When I broke this to him he seemed un-phased. I thought he'd whine until kingdom come like he normally does. Infact today he said that I should see Bambi before him! I agreed of course. Strange...But again...whatevers.

My father just told me that a 34 y.o man got raided where my 1/2 brother lives and they found what seems to be a make shift bomb. I really hope it's not my half brother. I can't see why he would make a bomb maybe someone put it there. I don't see him very often but each time I do he's nice. Abit odd, dopey and a dreamer like me. But harmless of course! My father said when he was my age he dated the prettiest girl in the school...He went away for something for a couple of weeks and when he came back she was with his bestfriend! My father said after that he wasn't right and dabbled in drugs and such, never worked either.

I don't think he has anyone.
His mum is all loved up and is in London.
My father just called his house phone. Noone's picking up. It's not looking good.

get in my bed!

;;- oi oi fitshittt digits digits innit innit wit wooooo lemme get some abit of alriiiight any day any way babes' so fine your a ten aye papi chulo. Baby, jevoudrais juste te faire l'amour jusqu'au bout La vie estbien trop courte: tu devrais en profiter Je n'ai pastoute la nuit, alors viens m'embrasser mmm tatts me gustan los hombres delgados offttt why u gotta have such sexy swag fo?

-.-

work now :/
then seeing bambi :D
hope it goes okay...I want them to keep me on!

XX

I am runnin' this you are just a dog walker!

I went to town with Bambi yesterday was fun and also good to get out and around again. She calms me down. I bought two sets of rings they're quite cute :) and a high wasted denim skirt from H&M...that I tried on later and was too small so might take it back. man my hips are sooo big. I know it's not a bad thing and it's womanly though. Bought a purse too from Accessorize (that when I showed J he said his nan would buy - As you can imagine not flattered by that statement).

After town I got dropped off my bambi's mum by Js, where we then went to his nans for her birthday. Was nice to meet all the family, they seem chill n welcoming. I'm abit socially awkward though.

Then J and I went to go see pirates of the carribean 4 3D...was really good. Predictable though. I thought the mermaid Syrena - asrtid berges-frisbey had a strange face but beautiful non the less! she has the same skin tone, eyes and hair and my BFF. I googled her just and also found out when she auditioned for the part she also had to do part of it topless!! (as disney wouldn't cast anyone for the part with fake breasts) .

-

Glad to get this week out of the way. Been so tiring and stressful with my manager away and having wake up a hour earlier, do the hours everyday, normal duties, and try to prove myself to the home manager to keep me after my 3 months probation is up. properly. Actually I'm exhausted.

I burst into tears yesterday when a man came and told me about him and his wife's situation at work. It was just so sad - The situation he was in - How unfair it all was and him having that lump in his throat speaking. It was too much. I think about it now and it still makes me want to cry. I think I'm abit emotionally unstable.

Thinking about that makes me want to cry, thinking about mum and bambi sad makes me want to cry too.

And I don't exactly love to say it but I know it's the truth- thinking about J being sad makes me feel down too.

It's like bambi says " we're too sensitive for this world"
And like always..She's right!

Spoke to Bambi on phone today as my father really was in a controlling mood (not even going to talk more about it). I'm so proud of her!
She's so strong! Can't wait to catch up properly tomorrow.
J told me I could talk to him bout Bambi w/e. I shrugged and said ok. Told J Bambi is my other half on phone. He said he was scared. I have no idea what he really means. He then said he was going for a fag (from exp. this means he is white in the face and needs to think about what I've just said).

Me n Bambi we're going to go into town tomorrow I said I'd look at flats because I was just so pissed at father. But now I'm in two minds whether to. The money and ofc Mum would be on her own again and I know she worries  and so do I...
Mum wants another child. I don't know if it's going to happen yet. Its all quite a surprise to me really as she always said "one is enough" - when I was younger and I was lonely and asked her. But just now I asked her and she said "well one isn't enough". I feel excited I guess...but a little part of me feels abit inadequate, like if I was younger and more dependant she wouldn't want one...that I don't satisfiy her mothering side anymore or something?!
Maybe it's normal.
Maybe I'm just being silly.

Alfie said I was sweet today. I don't know why but I felt flattered. If you know me you know I'm not easily flattered. I guess because he's not the flirty type and married - It felt more genuine? :)

gahh look at the time...Zzzzzz

Oui?

One day my fab bestfriend, lovely mumsie and I will go to France and when we are there we will....

Wear berets and moustaches :) (even though my head is small and amber will laugh :L)

#

Stop and have a croissant and coffee (I don't think mum will like this very much...she'd try to order some form of rice) :L

Visit the Eifel Tower

Munch on Macaroons

Nom french fries

beat goes round!

Had a fab time with Bambi...she makes me laugh n always cheers me up after a long day at work. I hope she's okay - and that college tomorrow isn't too stressful - ik she'll blitz through her history exam. her grades are brilliant! She's so  loyal, pretty and ofcourse intelligent. She keeps me sane. She really listens and understands. Gosh I don't know what I'd do without amber <3

Very busy day at work. Went soo fast! Too fast. Took test -Not P. V. V. V. relieved about that! Will have to take a test this time next week to confirm though.

Seeing bambi tomorrow :D but with my father acting like a douche mum thinks its best if she comes here...but yea...

Father is being a pain still. I wish he would just let me be. Mum said he was giving her grief about me going out; Idk what I'm gonna do. I'm 19 it's not fair to put me in this situation where I know he'll make a big song and dance with me and whats worse with mum too -everytime I want to go out and stay out past 8 on a work night. Hello?! I'm a big girl. I think I know how much rest I need for the following day without you restricting it - I did do it when I worked at scat and lived on my own for a year and I was FINE.. So I ring him today to let him know I won't be home for tea (he was funny on the phone) I so then come home today bang on 8 (yes that's right not even remotely late)...and he starts yapping on about "how I shouldn't arrange thing like that" (he keeps repeating this. How else can I arrange it. I have no idea what he means..nor do care. I think he's lost his marbles) and "I shouldn't take my family and home for granted" urgh.

I don't know what's worse his his clingy-lets-be-a-happy-family act he wants to put on or him trying to control me when I'm a grown ass woman!

LET ME BE!



I'm messing with your head again. Dose of your own medicine.

What if I?...
Had a thing on the side?
Made ya cry?
Would the rules change up?
Or would they still apply?
If I played you like a toy?
Sometimes I wish I could act like a boy



wow

Rather liking ripped tights atm.

My father is annoying. As always. Just woke up and went online...he marches in and says: "don't leave the sink in a state like lastnight again..you could've washed a frying pan" I just nodded and put my headphones back on. But then I thought- I haven't been anywhere near the sink lastnight. How was I to know? I didn't even have tea with them lastnight. What on earth he is going on about idk! Jeez. Must be going crazy!

Felt abit sick this morning, like as soon as I woke up..I hope its not phantom baby. Oh god. D: D: D:

my ladies who got their own cash, know how to swing their hips fast

In a rather "ghetto" mood recently...Just want to punch people and get my revenge...also liking the hood look. Spoke to Bambi about getting a tattoo but she's against it - so deffo not going ahead with that now. I love Bambi so much...I just can't explain. Her happiness is more essential than my own! I hope she feels much better soon. I know she's scared but i'll be with her every step of the way.

fuck you and then fuck him too

In a good mood although feeling v sarcastic today - not good news for J as he'd say something sweet and I'd automatically think of something mean and sarcastic to reply. Of course I'd keep it in. But then my "aww's" and "ahh's" to his replies would be off que and not as convincing. Then I'd get all weird with my paranoia and think he knows what I'm thinking.
He came out of the shop with three cookies. He ate one, then gave one to me - which I ate. He then tried to give me the third after - which I declined being too full. I then opened my mouth to say "why don't you give it to manly c". Closed my mouth and looked away. Bad times.

I spent alot on clothes and makeup today ALOT - I think like £100 maybe :/
I bought:
-blusher brush
-clinque 3 step programme (I have been meaning to buy this for my skin since forever)
- liquid eye liner
- make up wipes
- earrings from yumi
- vintage rose, brown bag from yumi
- blue jumpsuit from yumi

I need to just get some brown gladiator sandals, waist belt n I'm set for summer.

Things to buy when I next get paid:
- Well I want my hair done back to the side fringe - actually like Christina Perri (Bambi showed me a song of hers now I'm hooked on her voice/look) I do love the random streak of white blonde - it works on her, Idk if it would work on me :/ It could look BOOM or FAIL...Have to consult Bambi first.
- I want "wren" Tattooed on my arm
- I want a tragus piercing like this

Also me and Bambi are getting our nails done next week my treat ^^ looking forward to it lots!

I hope Bambi is okay. I just want her to be happy. If only she could see her the way I see her. Kept thinking of her today n J kept bugging me for not talking bout it. Imma ring her now infact to have a chat.

Can't seem to sleep well lately. Stupid, effed up sleeping pattern!
Went to my bestfriends today we ate, lazed around, listened to music, talked and ofc were wistful together. I do love spending time there. Came home my father was trying to sort out my laptop on the phone, he got put on hold and started shouting at mum. Felt esp. fragile. Like it was going to tip me off the edge. I hate it when my father shouts. I can't think of anything more that I hate. Apart from when he's shouting and it's at mum. I mean she's so nice and harmless like a puppy and she does absolutely everything for him. Oh god. The amount of feelings I have to supress to live in this household. I know mum has it worse because she spends the most time with him..ah Idk I did have to grow up with him.