Life

update lately?

Eating. Work. Eating. Stupid father. Porn. Sleeping. Work. Bambi. Sleeping. Holiday with J. Auntie. Insecure. Sleeping. Eating. Work. Flirt badly. Bambi. Worrying about Bambi. J. Porn. Sleeping. Work. Church. Worrying about bambi. Porn. Insecure. Stupid father. Catching bus to and from work. J. Work. Detesting work colleagues. Bambi. Bambi gets hair cut. Eating with Bambi. Nagging feeling about J. Sleeping. Eating. Porn. Phil get 6 years. Thinking abit about stacey. Come to blows with J. J carries on like normal. Bambi. Work. Sleeping. Eating. Feeling abit happier. Church. Porn. Bambi goes back to college. Flirting.Mum has stomach ache and keeps on about agency.

how cute

Bambi may have braces...I think they are really cute and will look super duper cute on her!

Do you catch your breath when I look you? Are you holding back like the way I do?

Likin' the smiles at the mo' :)

Same difference

Why oh why oh WHY do I go through stages of feelings and change my mind like I change my clothes?! It's the most annoying thing ever..and not just for me I can't imagine how annoying it is for Amber. Also makes me feel like I don't know who I am..But that's not true Ik deep down.
Brighter note...Whatever happens though these things stay the same:
I love Amber McNamara and my Mumsie forever and always
Older, handsome men just make me melt esp. if they have attitude/troubled
Amber McNamara is stunning whatevz
The beach will always make me feel happy and help me clear my mind
Filipino food is just lush but gotta love a sunday dinner too
Everything seems better after a long bath, sweet cup of tea and a goodnights rest
I love reading but sometimes it's so good and I can't wait so I just have to read ahead!
Hello Kitty and Kevjumba are too adorable
Better watch your back if you upset someone I love!
If anyone cries around me I cry too (this applies to everyone apart from maybe J, although there have been close calls)
Cheaters/ cheating in general make me feel sad and frustrated
I don't really like beer but I'll drink Peroni if in the mood
My mum is SUCH a good person


So there...feel abit better now!

-sigh-

Marry me?

Take these broken wings and learn to fly again

Haven't been on here for what seems like an eternity!
Been v busy!
Been moving around alot due to father figure being weirdly controlling n me not taking it well. Also had first counselling session although I wrote that off because A. my cousellor is a patronising bitch and B. because I find it the strangest thing - how you go into a small room with someone you don't even know sit with them for a hour and are expected to disclose your closest feelings. I shouldn't have written it off so soon but been feeling abit better in myself and not had those weird thoughts. Job currently going okay NOW, but Jackie went on holiday and I got ill and that went tits up. I sometimes think they're all out for me to fail, like they're going to sabotage me or something...Maybe I should go back to couselling HA! Anyway I'm trying hard at work. I can only do my best and if thats not enough they can all fuck off!

Bambis been doing so well but abit down atm, nearly had relapse, I hope she'll be okay :S I worry lots. I worry lots that she doesn't tell me things and is suffering and is hiding it from me to stop me worrying. It's so sad she just too beautiful. I feel bad too maybe if i was there it wouldn't have been as bad. She's gone out tonight abit worried I don't think drinking is good. It's a depressant like Bambi said herself.

Me and J are ok. Not good in the bedroom. I'm just not horny anymore. Idk why. I don't think that's normal for me. Maybe I'll go to the drs if it carries on. Me, Bambi and J went to a party together - Athonys 18th -well kinda together. Went kinda well. Apart from J being sick. He was really drunk n tired n was puking everywhere me n Bam tried to get him ina taxi but it was no use. He was as sick as a pig. Me n Bambi felt sorry for him n kept saying "poor josh" then in the morning Bambi was like "Stupid j we should've left him in his own sick - would C have done that for him?!" :L
Also weirdy guys kept hitting on Bambi at the party. It wasn't nice I had a word with one of them but I don't think it did much use. George also came up to me there n tried to explain what happened with him n bob but i had none of it. Who wants to listen to the stoned, drunken ramblings of a manipulative liar and serial cheat? not me so I made a quick exit away from him!
J said I touched cuddly J's leg there too. I really don't think I did but he said I did n was hurt n wanted me to say sorry so I did begrudgingly. Stroking cuddly J's leg ain't got nothing on what he did. But hey ho...
I think Bambi should get with J he was really nice at the party! Although I do know from Bambi he does have a weird moody side at times.
Anthony also had a really soft bunny. I want that bunny :)
He had a strange brother too, really strange - he can keep him!

I'm eating like like a horse atm and my father has noticed me putting on weight n was weird about my top today too. He's by far the weirdest man alive when it comes to looks. I wish he would be normal. And stop trying to make me fit in to his weird ideal of what a family should do and how a daughter should act, dress, look. He's just a pain. It's times like these that remind me of when i'd look out the window (yea i'd wistfully look outside to that place called "outdoors" where I was rarely allowed) and see my next door neighbour's father n wish so much he was my father so I wouldn't have to deal with that angry, strange, smothering man. N's father he seemed so placid and laid back in comparison.
Father figure has also been esp. mean to mum lately. Been saying horrid things about money and the house. He is a dreadful man. He was shouting at me the other day saying: Just because other people don't spend time with there family doesn't mean you should do the same. You were brought up different, or don't you know that?
But doesn't he see? that he brought me up to be the way I am. I don't want to spend any time with him. It makes me sick. What's your earliest memory of your father? Mine is being around 3 years old maybe, running, crying terrified and covered with sweat in a hot hotel room in Philippines being angrily chased by him. Also, I litterally spent everyday from age 0-16 in the house or with him on calls or boring food shopping. I hardly ever went out with my friends. He just wouldn't let me. One eight week summer holiday I never went out with my friends once. I seriously nearly went crazy it was a close call teamed with him treating me like his weird barbie doll telling me what to wear and eat. He was freakishly controlling, always angry at me for something and just so weird. It was like he was trying to supress me, make me have no character, feeling or opinion of my own. I hate him and will never forgive him for it. He made my childhood a living hell. I'm sure he has his reason but they'll never be good enough. It was so depressing so whenever he wants to spend anytime with me or makes any comments about my appearance (good or bad) OR tries to get me come home earlier (yes he still tries to control what time I come back at age 19 nearly 20) - I just flash back to those times n I feel scared, frustrated and unhappy that its going to go back to that. So basically my own father is unhealthy for me.

Anyway on a lighter note - it's time for bed long day ahead of me at work then Bambi is coming to mine for a good chin wag :) god I miss that gorgeous young lady!

it's just a feeling, just a feeling that I have, just a feeling, just a feeling, just a feeling that I have.

R.I.P Gandma. I kept retyping this but all I really want to say is I'm sorry, I love you so much and I hope you are at rest in heaven with gandpa and that I'll make you really proud oneday. I pomise.

swag.

Feel not me. Feel like lost touch with emotions. Feel blunt and flippant. Hope it goes.

Amber McNamara

I never in a zillion years thought i'd find the other half of me.
I'd die without you- You know it's true. I couldn't go on.

'Cause I'm me not you

Feeling me: sensitive, vain, smiley and so on...
But did something out of character for me. I was bitchy to my father. Won't go into details - But I didn't like the way he spoke to me. I've never liked the way he speaks to me or mum for that matter. So today I played him at his own game. He of course didn't have anything to say of much relevance so came to the somewhat predictable conclusion that I have a "attitude" and "not to use it with him -ramble, ramble- will kick my ass out of the house".

I also have the urge to be near the beach you know with the sea air, lapping water, sun and birds. I always get that feeling when I feel more me. I always feel so content by the sea. It's wierd. Even if the weather is bad with rain and the waves are crashing. I still love it. No...nothing beats the sea. Has to be my favourite place of all.

Dive into a sea of..interesting faces! :)

Taxi driver: you have very interesting features. It's good.

Bambi: You have an interesting face. Interesting faces are the best faces!

Above -Lindsey Wixon, Model

Above- Astrid berges-frisbey, Actress

Above - Kristen Stuart, Actress

Above - Maggie Q, Actress

Above - Shelby Coleman, Model

Above - Me!

Jeni hates you all

So me and Bambi went to Jane's yesterday. It was meh. I gave bare evilz to people who I hate (as I know what they have done before they even speak to me)
-sigh- seems like there are only a handful of decent people in the world at times.
I have my faults too so I guess I'll stop ranting right now.

I really hope Bambi got some rest and is feeling bettter. She's a real rockstar. Bit by a big dog, tetinus jab and away she goes to a party looking gawjuss too. Dickface decided to show afterall. It was funny because all the boys walked past all tall and lean and then there he was all short and shuffling past us trying to fit in. What was even better was Bambi said she didn't really feel anything when he went past.

Had to do gardening with my stupid father. He makes loads of noise while I'm sleeping at around 6 then -He wakes me up at nine - starts shouting and ordering me around. He is the only real pain in my life.

J took me to see hangover 2 - was good but no where near as good as the first. J bought some new clothes too. He looks nice. He's insanely happy atm. Although he did call me thurs night and we had a wierd convo-
J: I had a strange feeling today when I went round to my dads...there was this guy, Jack and I thought when I saw him - He is going to take you away from me - he's the one for you
Me: wha?
J: -repeats-
Me: What do you mean? I don't even know this guy right?
J: Yea I know but you don't love me..so I thought you could fall in love with him
Me: I don't even know him..that is weird.
J: so I have nothing to be worried about right?
Me: I'm not going to dignifiy that q with an answer -.-

Been to church with mum. J tried to get me to see him today too but meh so tired. I'm just going to chill. I'm gonna do ziltch. Maybe watch some more louis theroux doc's. I do love them <3

Appetite is good atm. Days go soo fast. Not enough hours in the day.

Saw another peircing I want. Its on the hand - inbetween your thumb and finger.I may get this too.
I told J and typical thing he said: won't that hurt me when ur pleasuring me?
URGH.

Wore the gladiator sandals to Jane's. I guess I'll keep them now cuz mum says they won't accept them now lol

Been thinking and it is so sad about my brother. I really hope so much he doesn't go to prison. I mean what would he do in there. someone as meek as him wouldn't last for long behind bars surely! :/

what a scenario

I'm seeing Bambi ina minute shes coming to mine! :D I've missed her soo much. With work and her feeling sleepy haven't seen her much this week. we need a good catch up.

Theres a cute guy at work that's just started. He's like some blonde angel - and boy he knows it.
I got him a uniform to try on and he kinda turns round and flicks his hair, tries on the uniform...adjusts the collar like pose-y model person looks at me and says "does this look alright? or can't you tell?"
And I'm like O.O -sigh, blush, fidget- urm..yea
-girl hes with on induction (i think she likes him) gives me bare evilz-
:L

I had to sit in on a meeting and take notes yesterday with a colleague and the manager.
I wonder what it's like to be in charge of everyone  - To decide who to sack, who to give a second chance and stuff. I couldn't do it myself. Too much responsibility.
All in all I'm trying alot harder at work. And I'll be really upset if they don't take me on. I have got quite settled there.

Things with J are getting me down. He tried to get me kiss him down south. I really wasn't feeling it.

Sometimes I feel like I miss being me.
That may sound crazy but before all this shite I knew who I was. I was so strong. Like in myself, I knew What was right and wrong. What I should let go and hold onto...

Bambis here :D

....So just seen Bam...I  missed her so much, felt emo first seeing her.
I wish I could see her more but I'll see her on saturday. Ah I feel me around her. I wish she didn't have to go... :(

Btw...It was my brother where they found that make-shift bomb. They say he'll go down for 14 years. Sad times. I'll visit him. He'll need his family around. Someone should've been looking after him!

My soul hurts. Apart from that I'm fine thank you for asking.

my size, my size! yo i'm talking to you!

 

 

 

Went to Telford with Bambi shopping. I had a good laugh and great time although was abit flustered and hormonal - left a bag in the coffee shop!. Bambi did really well - there were loadsa people bumping into us and not caring plus the coffee shop was packed and the staff didn't have the best customer service but she seemed more chilled than me :)

As soon as me and J left Bambi he practically turned!
J: You were suppose to spend the whole day with me today...thats what you promised but you went to Telford  - shopping with Bambi!

Me: Well I'm v hormonal..I thought it was for the best not to see you as much.

J: You are selfish then

Me: ... -.-

Me: I thought Bambi needed me more.

J: You saw her last night!

Me: Wasn't long enough!
-walks separately down the road both sulking-
J: You're not even going to say sorry then!
Me: I don't know what to say sorry for!
...
Me: So where are we going if we're not going to yours

J: I don't know you can go home if you want

Me: Okay...You don't want to see me then

J: It's not that I don't want to...I'm just mad at you.

Me: -rolls eyes- I'm sorry!

J: You aren't though!

Me: I am!

...

J: I'm sorry for calling you selfish.

Father being annoying again. Yea I really hate him. I don't think I've ever hated anyone more than him.

-

Ahh I see..

Him: I called you before
Me: Yea I'm sorry
Him: whats wrong?
Me: nothing
Him: I'm sorry I fell asleep
Me: It's ok
Him: Well it's what we agreed...I said I wanted to see you..but you said no...its's what we agreed.
-silence-
Me: Yea
Him: Well I can't be on for long..I have to get back..I didn't think you'd pick up, thought you'd be asleep.
-silence-
Me: ok -slight sigh-
Him: Anything you wanna say? Anything on ur mind?
Me: No...nothing -.-
Him: Okay. bye
Me: Bye.

Talk to girlfriend for abit as I did fall asleep and missed seeing her?
No..no..got to get back and talk to online people and RS again.
Right.

Maybe i'm over sensitive and hormonal.

Hit the "pause" button

Had stupid meeting yesterday. Hated it- like expected. Was crap- like expected.
Have to now persevere to be focused-on-the-ball-ice-queen.

Father spoke to me in the car yesterday about me and J was the most embarassing thing ever
him: it will break your mothers heart if you end up in a mess with him
me: we're not doing anything
him: don't insult my intelligence
him: better get you on the pill
me: we're not
him: well whats wrong with you both? must be something wrong somewhere? Is he gay?
-.-

First day back after meeting (Today) was okay have a headache though. On period so very emotional at the moment. I remember nearly crying at something today although I can't remember what. I'm sure it was nothing.

Was Arthurs funeral today. Kelly went and I saw her with her hair down. She looked nicer.
Food at work sucked today and the filling is building up -.-
Alfie is being not strange...but different to me...I sense it...and it's not different in a good way.
But whatever.

Texted bambi at work...got worried because got no reply but called her just and she seems ok :) (although my phone cut out because I ran out of credit) She is so good when I'm feeling low. thank goodness i have her.

Also rang J before work. Fat lot of use he is. He can ring me from now on. Anyway with me concentrating on work I won't be able to see him much in the coming weeks. When I broke this to him he seemed un-phased. I thought he'd whine until kingdom come like he normally does. Infact today he said that I should see Bambi before him! I agreed of course. Strange...But again...whatevers.

My father just told me that a 34 y.o man got raided where my 1/2 brother lives and they found what seems to be a make shift bomb. I really hope it's not my half brother. I can't see why he would make a bomb maybe someone put it there. I don't see him very often but each time I do he's nice. Abit odd, dopey and a dreamer like me. But harmless of course! My father said when he was my age he dated the prettiest girl in the school...He went away for something for a couple of weeks and when he came back she was with his bestfriend! My father said after that he wasn't right and dabbled in drugs and such, never worked either.

I don't think he has anyone.
His mum is all loved up and is in London.
My father just called his house phone. Noone's picking up. It's not looking good.

get in my bed!

;;- oi oi fitshittt digits digits innit innit wit wooooo lemme get some abit of alriiiight any day any way babes' so fine your a ten aye papi chulo. Baby, jevoudrais juste te faire l'amour jusqu'au bout La vie estbien trop courte: tu devrais en profiter Je n'ai pastoute la nuit, alors viens m'embrasser mmm tatts me gustan los hombres delgados offttt why u gotta have such sexy swag fo?

-.-

work now :/
then seeing bambi :D
hope it goes okay...I want them to keep me on!

XX

I am runnin' this you are just a dog walker!

I went to town with Bambi yesterday was fun and also good to get out and around again. She calms me down. I bought two sets of rings they're quite cute :) and a high wasted denim skirt from H&M...that I tried on later and was too small so might take it back. man my hips are sooo big. I know it's not a bad thing and it's womanly though. Bought a purse too from Accessorize (that when I showed J he said his nan would buy - As you can imagine not flattered by that statement).

After town I got dropped off my bambi's mum by Js, where we then went to his nans for her birthday. Was nice to meet all the family, they seem chill n welcoming. I'm abit socially awkward though.

Then J and I went to go see pirates of the carribean 4 3D...was really good. Predictable though. I thought the mermaid Syrena - asrtid berges-frisbey had a strange face but beautiful non the less! she has the same skin tone, eyes and hair and my BFF. I googled her just and also found out when she auditioned for the part she also had to do part of it topless!! (as disney wouldn't cast anyone for the part with fake breasts) .

-

Glad to get this week out of the way. Been so tiring and stressful with my manager away and having wake up a hour earlier, do the hours everyday, normal duties, and try to prove myself to the home manager to keep me after my 3 months probation is up. properly. Actually I'm exhausted.

I burst into tears yesterday when a man came and told me about him and his wife's situation at work. It was just so sad - The situation he was in - How unfair it all was and him having that lump in his throat speaking. It was too much. I think about it now and it still makes me want to cry. I think I'm abit emotionally unstable.

Thinking about that makes me want to cry, thinking about mum and bambi sad makes me want to cry too.

And I don't exactly love to say it but I know it's the truth- thinking about J being sad makes me feel down too.

It's like bambi says " we're too sensitive for this world"
And like always..She's right!

Spoke to Bambi on phone today as my father really was in a controlling mood (not even going to talk more about it). I'm so proud of her!
She's so strong! Can't wait to catch up properly tomorrow.
J told me I could talk to him bout Bambi w/e. I shrugged and said ok. Told J Bambi is my other half on phone. He said he was scared. I have no idea what he really means. He then said he was going for a fag (from exp. this means he is white in the face and needs to think about what I've just said).

Me n Bambi we're going to go into town tomorrow I said I'd look at flats because I was just so pissed at father. But now I'm in two minds whether to. The money and ofc Mum would be on her own again and I know she worries  and so do I...
Mum wants another child. I don't know if it's going to happen yet. Its all quite a surprise to me really as she always said "one is enough" - when I was younger and I was lonely and asked her. But just now I asked her and she said "well one isn't enough". I feel excited I guess...but a little part of me feels abit inadequate, like if I was younger and more dependant she wouldn't want one...that I don't satisfiy her mothering side anymore or something?!
Maybe it's normal.
Maybe I'm just being silly.

Alfie said I was sweet today. I don't know why but I felt flattered. If you know me you know I'm not easily flattered. I guess because he's not the flirty type and married - It felt more genuine? :)

gahh look at the time...Zzzzzz

Oui?

One day my fab bestfriend, lovely mumsie and I will go to France and when we are there we will....

Wear berets and moustaches :) (even though my head is small and amber will laugh :L)

#

Stop and have a croissant and coffee (I don't think mum will like this very much...she'd try to order some form of rice) :L

Visit the Eifel Tower

Munch on Macaroons

Nom french fries