Same difference

Why oh why oh WHY do I go through stages of feelings and change my mind like I change my clothes?! It's the most annoying thing ever..and not just for me I can't imagine how annoying it is for Amber. Also makes me feel like I don't know who I am..But that's not true Ik deep down.
Brighter note...Whatever happens though these things stay the same:
I love Amber McNamara and my Mumsie forever and always
Older, handsome men just make me melt esp. if they have attitude/troubled
Amber McNamara is stunning whatevz
The beach will always make me feel happy and help me clear my mind
Filipino food is just lush but gotta love a sunday dinner too
Everything seems better after a long bath, sweet cup of tea and a goodnights rest
I love reading but sometimes it's so good and I can't wait so I just have to read ahead!
Hello Kitty and Kevjumba are too adorable
Better watch your back if you upset someone I love!
If anyone cries around me I cry too (this applies to everyone apart from maybe J, although there have been close calls)
Cheaters/ cheating in general make me feel sad and frustrated
I don't really like beer but I'll drink Peroni if in the mood
My mum is SUCH a good person


So there...feel abit better now!

-sigh-

Marry me?

Take these broken wings and learn to fly again

Haven't been on here for what seems like an eternity!
Been v busy!
Been moving around alot due to father figure being weirdly controlling n me not taking it well. Also had first counselling session although I wrote that off because A. my cousellor is a patronising bitch and B. because I find it the strangest thing - how you go into a small room with someone you don't even know sit with them for a hour and are expected to disclose your closest feelings. I shouldn't have written it off so soon but been feeling abit better in myself and not had those weird thoughts. Job currently going okay NOW, but Jackie went on holiday and I got ill and that went tits up. I sometimes think they're all out for me to fail, like they're going to sabotage me or something...Maybe I should go back to couselling HA! Anyway I'm trying hard at work. I can only do my best and if thats not enough they can all fuck off!

Bambis been doing so well but abit down atm, nearly had relapse, I hope she'll be okay :S I worry lots. I worry lots that she doesn't tell me things and is suffering and is hiding it from me to stop me worrying. It's so sad she just too beautiful. I feel bad too maybe if i was there it wouldn't have been as bad. She's gone out tonight abit worried I don't think drinking is good. It's a depressant like Bambi said herself.

Me and J are ok. Not good in the bedroom. I'm just not horny anymore. Idk why. I don't think that's normal for me. Maybe I'll go to the drs if it carries on. Me, Bambi and J went to a party together - Athonys 18th -well kinda together. Went kinda well. Apart from J being sick. He was really drunk n tired n was puking everywhere me n Bam tried to get him ina taxi but it was no use. He was as sick as a pig. Me n Bambi felt sorry for him n kept saying "poor josh" then in the morning Bambi was like "Stupid j we should've left him in his own sick - would C have done that for him?!" :L
Also weirdy guys kept hitting on Bambi at the party. It wasn't nice I had a word with one of them but I don't think it did much use. George also came up to me there n tried to explain what happened with him n bob but i had none of it. Who wants to listen to the stoned, drunken ramblings of a manipulative liar and serial cheat? not me so I made a quick exit away from him!
J said I touched cuddly J's leg there too. I really don't think I did but he said I did n was hurt n wanted me to say sorry so I did begrudgingly. Stroking cuddly J's leg ain't got nothing on what he did. But hey ho...
I think Bambi should get with J he was really nice at the party! Although I do know from Bambi he does have a weird moody side at times.
Anthony also had a really soft bunny. I want that bunny :)
He had a strange brother too, really strange - he can keep him!

I'm eating like like a horse atm and my father has noticed me putting on weight n was weird about my top today too. He's by far the weirdest man alive when it comes to looks. I wish he would be normal. And stop trying to make me fit in to his weird ideal of what a family should do and how a daughter should act, dress, look. He's just a pain. It's times like these that remind me of when i'd look out the window (yea i'd wistfully look outside to that place called "outdoors" where I was rarely allowed) and see my next door neighbour's father n wish so much he was my father so I wouldn't have to deal with that angry, strange, smothering man. N's father he seemed so placid and laid back in comparison.
Father figure has also been esp. mean to mum lately. Been saying horrid things about money and the house. He is a dreadful man. He was shouting at me the other day saying: Just because other people don't spend time with there family doesn't mean you should do the same. You were brought up different, or don't you know that?
But doesn't he see? that he brought me up to be the way I am. I don't want to spend any time with him. It makes me sick. What's your earliest memory of your father? Mine is being around 3 years old maybe, running, crying terrified and covered with sweat in a hot hotel room in Philippines being angrily chased by him. Also, I litterally spent everyday from age 0-16 in the house or with him on calls or boring food shopping. I hardly ever went out with my friends. He just wouldn't let me. One eight week summer holiday I never went out with my friends once. I seriously nearly went crazy it was a close call teamed with him treating me like his weird barbie doll telling me what to wear and eat. He was freakishly controlling, always angry at me for something and just so weird. It was like he was trying to supress me, make me have no character, feeling or opinion of my own. I hate him and will never forgive him for it. He made my childhood a living hell. I'm sure he has his reason but they'll never be good enough. It was so depressing so whenever he wants to spend anytime with me or makes any comments about my appearance (good or bad) OR tries to get me come home earlier (yes he still tries to control what time I come back at age 19 nearly 20) - I just flash back to those times n I feel scared, frustrated and unhappy that its going to go back to that. So basically my own father is unhealthy for me.

Anyway on a lighter note - it's time for bed long day ahead of me at work then Bambi is coming to mine for a good chin wag :) god I miss that gorgeous young lady!