Livid:"Fuck You for cheating on me. Fuck you for reducing it to the word cheating. As if this were a card game, and you sneaked a look at my hand. Who came up with the term cheating, anyway? A cheater, I imagine. Someone who thought liar was too harsh. Someone who thought devastator was too emotional. The same person who thought, oops, he’d gotten caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Fuck you. This isn’t about slipping yourself an extra twenty dollars of Monopoly money. These are our lives. You went and broke our lives. You are so much worse than a cheater. You killed something. And you killed it when its back was turned."
-David Levithan (Lovers Dictionary)
So I have this blog now - to rant and ramble about my feelings about what has happened. On being cheated on. I guess it will give my bestfriend abit of break haha! Bambi has been sucha star to me through everything though. She had to deal with the brunt of what J did. It wasn't fair on her. I don't think anyone has ever seen me that torn up. I don't think I've ever been that upset before. It's true that if she hadn't have been there I would've gone loony without a doubt.
Everything has happened so fast.
Too fast. It's only yesterday I read that text and I wanted to throw up...then literally did.
J is the most cowardly prick in the world. Who confesses that kind of thing by text msg?! I'm sure If he ever read this he would be shouting "But I'm not going to be a coward all my life!!" And one day I'll have the strength to reply and stick with it: Well you've been a coward long enough..And I don't have the time to wait until you become a man. Goodbye J.
I use to keep asking myself why this is happening to me? At one point I did blame myself...And there are still days I do. But I know deep down it's not my fault. It's J's Fault for not being a man. And Bambi will re-assure me and I'll feel better. Bambi has been so patient with me and everything. I can only hope I can be there for her like she has been there for me someday! I never thought I'd end up in this fucked up situation but it's happened now. I also never thought I'd even consider getting back together with J. I know in myself I'm just holding on to him because we could never be friends. So it's all or nothing. And even after everything I still want him in my life. So right now we're trying to "work things out". It would also suck to see him move on...But lets face it...I've had to imagine alot worse! I know my self esteem isn't as good as it use to be so that's probably why he's still around too. Gotta stay positive though. I know I'll do the right thing when I'm ready and J will let me go. I guess you've got to go to depths of sorrow and bleakness to suddenly find the strength with in you and soar up like some powerful goddess. Haha. Oneday something will click in me...Oneday soon I hope!
